Changing My Mindset: How I Killed Anxiety

*The above picture of me is from when my agoraphobia and anxiety was at its worst.

I am not writing this to toot my own horn. Well maybe a bit, because I am impressed by my own accomplishment. I am not sure I even fully understand it yet. I pulled off what I once thought was impossible and I wanted to share it with you. The proof is in the pudding, right?

I don’t know when it began, probably at birth. I came from a Jewish family with high anxiety levels. Jews are known for having high anxiety- just watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. That is what I came from. I remember being very young and at a roller skating rink. Suddenly, I felt overcome with a wave of horrifying fear. I ran outside to throw up and then was taken home and put to bed. It was my first confrontation with an anxiety attack. I was about nine or ten at the time and had no idea that that would be the first of hundreds of panic attacks that would follow. 

It was in my mid-twenties, with the pressures of adulthood beating down upon my head, that I began having severe anxiety attacks. The kind that forced me to pull my car off to the side of the road and take off running. The kind that kept me waiting outside emergency rooms, with my heart racing (I would stand outside of emergency rooms whenever I felt panic attacks coming on. Just in case). The kind that forced me to drop out of a graduate program because I was too afraid to drive to school and be surrounded by people. It sucked. 

My thirties were spent on and off medication. I was in therapy. I studied mindfulness and meditated a lot. I went on mindfulness meditation retreats. It was very hard for me to just sit there in silence and listen to my heart beating without thinking about the fact that it could just stop, and that would be the end of me. Sometimes this thought would induce panic and I would have to get up and leave the meditation hall in the middle of the meditation session (which was humiliating). 

Ironically, I was later diagnosed with a heart condition, which turned me into a full on cardiophobic. Any hint of my heart beating unusually would send me into a panic (few things are more frightening than a panic attack when your heart is already beating fast and irregular). I was terrified all the time. There was a park about a half a mile from my home. I was so agoraphobic that I had to put xanax in my pocket and drive my car to the park so that I could go for a walk around the park. I rarely made it far from my car. Those closest to me at this time can tell you- I was paralyzed.

And then I got diagnosed with cancer and had to have a tumor removed. Up until this point I had made all the efforts to be healthy. I ate organic food. Even macrobiotic. I exercised daily. I abstained from most processed foods. Drank a lot of green powder. Did detoxes and flushes. Slept with crystals under my bed and wore various necklaces to protect myself from electromagnetic and bluetooth frequencies. But I was the one who got cancer and almost died. Go figure.

When I went in for my surgery I was terrified. Would I survive? But strangely and from out of nowhere I remembered what one of my meditation teachers said to me a long time ago, “Let go and surrender to what is. Stop fighting.” (I am paraphrasing- what he said sounded much more profound). So I gave up. I no longer cared and let whatever was going to happen happen. Bring on the surgery. Lets do it. This is how I learned to kill anxiety.

I not only came through that surgery with no more cancer in my body, but I had also lost my anxiety (I think anxiety is caring too much about certain things). I had stopped caring whether I lived or died. I surrendered to the possibility of dying and I survived. I had confronted my worst fear and was ok. My extreme anxiety dissipated like rain off of a hot pavement. 

After my recovery, I felt the absence of a fear of death, which I had carried all my life. I no longer cared if I lived or I died. I was here now and that was what was important. What would happen, would happen. I stopped worrying about my health and everything else. I was no longer afraid to go on long walks far from home, go to the dentist and get teeth pulled or keep my bluetooth on in my pocket. I was no longer afraid of driving in a car alone. I went back and finished my graduate degree a decade and a half later. I could take risks I could have never imagined before. I could do things without being tormented by anxiety, and without needing any meds. We have no clue how much anxiety limits our lives when we are in it. We just grow withdrawn, fearful and overly protected. We cut ourselves off from living. What did all the protection and fear do for me? I got cancer. Anxiety is such a thief.

Now in my early fifties, I am not limited by anxiety at all. I live a normal and functional life. I have not had a panic attack in years. If I feel anxiety coming on (which I do not really anymore), I don't care. We all have to die sometime. I’ve made my peace. I am not worried about it. I no longer fear the physical sensations and feelings of anxiety. I just say to the anxiety, “Bring it on,” and then the anxiety fades away. I can drive wherever, walk wherever and do whatever. I can sit there and meditate with my heart racing and not care one bit. It is quite the accomplishment I think and all it took was changing my mindset.

What Exactly Is Anxiety Anyways?

Every human struggles with anxiety but we often don’t realize exactly what it is.

Anxiety can range from the subtle to the all out excessive. It is a common human emotion typically experienced when an individual perceives a future threat or is presented with a challenging or uncertain situation. This response is often characterized by feelings of fear, worry, feelings of impending doom and unease, often accompanied by physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension and an inability to be present. While some levels of anxiety are a normal response to stressful situations, excessive anxiety can negatively impact an individual's life, affecting their relationships, work, and overall well-being. When anxiety becomes excessive, it is important to address it right away.

Although there are many ways to manage and treat anxiety, practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment have been shown to be very effective strategies. Being present is something we are all capable of doing if we are willing (no supernatural beliefs needed). It only means paying attention to the current moment without judgment or distraction and focusing on the experience without worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. I don't know about you, but this seems like a much more preferable way to live. By focusing on the present and not paying attention to thoughts, the mind becomes calm, we begin to feel safe and anxiety levels decrease.

For those who deal with excessive levels of anxiety, relaxation is their best friend. Anxiety often results in the release of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which can trigger physiological symptoms such as increased heart rate and shallow breathing. This keeps us in an activated fight or flight state. People with excessive anxiety live in this state all the time. It is awful (I can tell you this from personal experience). This is why it is so important to literally force relaxation upon oneself. Short term pain for long term gain, is what a teacher once told me. I make myself relax for a few minutes (sometimes longer) throughout the day. I focus on my breathing and regulate my breath. I become more aware of right where I am at that moment. Nothing else matters. I am no longer ruminating or dwelling or planning. This helps me to bring my parasympathetic nervous system into balance, resulting in a reduction in anxiety symptoms (and a more enjoyable day).

Without question, anxiety is a common human emotion that can significantly impact every aspect of an individual's life if not adequately managed. It can cause you to live in a state where you continually feel under some kind of future threat or immediate danger- whether it be from outside forces or from within your own body. Mindfulness and being present are effective strategies for reducing anxiety, promoting relaxation, reducing worry and negative thought patterns. By disciplining your mind to remain present and calm in stressful situations, you really can mitigate the impact anxiety has on your life. You just have to decide that you have had enough of anxiety.

If you would like help getting your anxiety under control, please feel free to schedule a session.