Changing My Mindset: How I Killed Anxiety

*The above picture of me is from when my agoraphobia and anxiety was at its worst.

I am not writing this to toot my own horn. Well maybe a bit, because I am impressed by my own accomplishment. I am not sure I even fully understand it yet. I pulled off what I once thought was impossible and I wanted to share it with you. The proof is in the pudding, right?

I don’t know when it began, probably at birth. I came from a Jewish family with high anxiety levels. Jews are known for having high anxiety- just watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. That is what I came from. I remember being very young and at a roller skating rink. Suddenly, I felt overcome with a wave of horrifying fear. I ran outside to throw up and then was taken home and put to bed. It was my first confrontation with an anxiety attack. I was about nine or ten at the time and had no idea that that would be the first of hundreds of panic attacks that would follow. 

It was in my mid-twenties, with the pressures of adulthood beating down upon my head, that I began having severe anxiety attacks. The kind that forced me to pull my car off to the side of the road and take off running. The kind that kept me waiting outside emergency rooms, with my heart racing (I would stand outside of emergency rooms whenever I felt panic attacks coming on. Just in case). The kind that forced me to drop out of a graduate program because I was too afraid to drive to school and be surrounded by people. It sucked. 

My thirties were spent on and off medication. I was in therapy. I studied mindfulness and meditated a lot. I went on mindfulness meditation retreats. It was very hard for me to just sit there in silence and listen to my heart beating without thinking about the fact that it could just stop, and that would be the end of me. Sometimes this thought would induce panic and I would have to get up and leave the meditation hall in the middle of the meditation session (which was humiliating). 

Ironically, I was later diagnosed with a heart condition, which turned me into a full on cardiophobic. Any hint of my heart beating unusually would send me into a panic (few things are more frightening than a panic attack when your heart is already beating fast and irregular). I was terrified all the time. There was a park about a half a mile from my home. I was so agoraphobic that I had to put xanax in my pocket and drive my car to the park so that I could go for a walk around the park. I rarely made it far from my car. Those closest to me at this time can tell you- I was paralyzed.

And then I got diagnosed with cancer and had to have a tumor removed. Up until this point I had made all the efforts to be healthy. I ate organic food. Even macrobiotic. I exercised daily. I abstained from most processed foods. Drank a lot of green powder. Did detoxes and flushes. Slept with crystals under my bed and wore various necklaces to protect myself from electromagnetic and bluetooth frequencies. But I was the one who got cancer and almost died. Go figure.

When I went in for my surgery I was terrified. Would I survive? But strangely and from out of nowhere I remembered what one of my meditation teachers said to me a long time ago, “Let go and surrender to what is. Stop fighting.” (I am paraphrasing- what he said sounded much more profound). So I gave up. I no longer cared and let whatever was going to happen happen. Bring on the surgery. Lets do it. This is how I learned to kill anxiety.

I not only came through that surgery with no more cancer in my body, but I had also lost my anxiety (I think anxiety is caring too much about certain things). I had stopped caring whether I lived or died. I surrendered to the possibility of dying and I survived. I had confronted my worst fear and was ok. My extreme anxiety dissipated like rain off of a hot pavement. 

After my recovery, I felt the absence of a fear of death, which I had carried all my life. I no longer cared if I lived or I died. I was here now and that was what was important. What would happen, would happen. I stopped worrying about my health and everything else. I was no longer afraid to go on long walks far from home, go to the dentist and get teeth pulled or keep my bluetooth on in my pocket. I was no longer afraid of driving in a car alone. I went back and finished my graduate degree a decade and a half later. I could take risks I could have never imagined before. I could do things without being tormented by anxiety, and without needing any meds. We have no clue how much anxiety limits our lives when we are in it. We just grow withdrawn, fearful and overly protected. We cut ourselves off from living. What did all the protection and fear do for me? I got cancer. Anxiety is such a thief.

Now in my early fifties, I am not limited by anxiety at all. I live a normal and functional life. I have not had a panic attack in years. If I feel anxiety coming on (which I do not really anymore), I don't care. We all have to die sometime. I’ve made my peace. I am not worried about it. I no longer fear the physical sensations and feelings of anxiety. I just say to the anxiety, “Bring it on,” and then the anxiety fades away. I can drive wherever, walk wherever and do whatever. I can sit there and meditate with my heart racing and not care one bit. It is quite the accomplishment I think and all it took was changing my mindset.

Anxiety and Mindfulness

Before I started practicing mindfulness I suffered a severe anxiety disorder. For decades my anxiety was so bad that I could not go anywhere without Xanax in my pocket. I was mostly confined to my house, too afraid to step outside and I felt that at any second the floor would be pulled out from beneath me. Anxiety greatly compromised my life. I had to drop out of a Master’s program in English Literature because my anxiety prevented me from driving to school and sitting in class.

Anxiety is a common mental health disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. It is a feeling of unease, fear, and apprehension about what the future holds. Many things can trigger anxiety, from stressful life events and health issues to genetics and brain chemistry. Some of the symptoms of anxiety include worry, restlessness, intrusive thoughts, rapid heartbeat, sweating, difficulty concentrating, an inability to be still and a feeling of danger being just around the corner. 

This is the problem with anxiety. Just because you feel afraid does not mean you are in danger. Anxiety is a liar and a thief. I thought I was going to die hundreds of times, but here I am.

Fortunately, there are effective ways to manage anxiety. One of the most effective techniques to manage my anxiety has been mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being present and focused on the moment without judgment. It involves paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, and accepting them for what they are. 

When it comes to anxiety, mindfulness is a powerful tool. And just like any tool, if used correctly it can be used to build incredible things- including a life that you thought was impossible to live. At one point I could not drive across bridges. Out of the question. Now I could care less. I even drink coffee now, which I could not touch for years. If I can do it, so can you.

By focusing your attention in the present moment, you can break the cycle of worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Anxiety is the fear of a future threat (just around the corner). By bringing your attention into the present moment, anxiety can’t keep its grip on you.

Many studies have shown that practicing mindfulness can reduce anxiety symptoms and improve overall well-being. 

Mindful breathing is one of the most common mindfulness techniques used to manage anxiety. It involves taking deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body, and letting go of any thoughts or feelings that arise. This can help slow down your body's physical response to anxiety, such as rapid breathing or a racing heartbeat. A person can do this practice anywhere and anytime.

Another mindfulness technique that can be helpful for anxiety is meditation. This involves sitting comfortably and mentally scanning your body from head to toe, noticing any areas of tension or discomfort, while focusing your attention on the breath as it moves in and out through your nose. Learning to be still with yourself and your anxiety even if just for five minutes is an effective way to combat anxiety because you are learning how to directly confront your anxiety without feeling in danger. Remember that just because you are afraid does not mean you are in danger. The trick is to accept and breathe your way through the uncomfortable and sometimes terrifying feelings of anxiety.

In addition to these techniques, there are many other mindfulness practices that can help manage anxiety, such as mindful walking, mindful eating, and mindful awareness of your surroundings. The key is to find a practice that works best for you and to make it a part of your daily routine (especially if you want to get off those sedating pills).

Anxiety is a serious mental health disorder that can impact every aspect of one's life. It can keep people confined to their homes for a lifetime and/or it can make a person feel so uncomfortably restless and stimulated that they are compromised in all aspects of their life. By practicing mindfulness, individuals can learn to be present and focused on the moment, reduce or eradicate symptoms of anxiety, and improve overall well-being. If you are interested in living a life with much less anxiety, mindfulness is your superpower.

Managing Mental Chatter

“Interrupt your negative chains of thought by forcing yourself to visualize the crazy sweet adventures you plan to enjoy someday.” -Robert Anton Wilson

Mental chatter, also known as inner monologue or self-talk, is the constant (and often negative) stream of thoughts that goes on in everyone’s minds. It’s a natural part of being human and can be either helpful or detrimental to our well-being. Managing mental chatter is important because it can impact our relationships, ability to focus, mood, financial situations, overall productivity, confidence, decision-making and overall health.

The first and most important step in managing mental chatter is to become aware of it. If you are not aware of it, you are caught up in it like a prisoner in chains. This alone is a very stressful experience. Take note of the thoughts that run through your mind. Become self-aware (even if just for a minute). Are your thoughts positive, negative, or neutral? Are they productive or unproductive? Being willing to analyze your mental chatter in this way can help you to identify patterns in your thinking, which can then be addressed.

Another strategy for managing mental chatter is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves focusing our attention on purpose in the present moment and letting go of judgments, worries, fears and distractions. By practicing mindfulness, we can become more aware of our thoughts without becoming chained to them. This means we can better observe our mental chatter, which then gives us the ability to do something about it.

Another technique I have been experimenting with to help manage my own mental chatter is to challenge my negative thoughts. Negative self-talk is a common form of mental chatter that can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, isolation and low self-esteem. When negative thoughts arise, I try to ask myself if what I am thinking about is really true or if it is just a personal judgement? I try to find some evidence to support that what I am thinking about. If there isn’t any evidence, I try to replace these thoughts with something more positive and realistic.

In addition to these strategies, it’s important to take care of our physical health as well. There is plenty of research to support just how damaging chronic mental chatter is for our health. Some argue that uncontrolled mental chatter is worse for our health than not exercising. I would say that mental chatter can lead to a lack of exercise, since the individual is spending more time in their head. Exercise, getting enough sleep and eating a healthy diet can all help to reduce stress and improve our mental well-being. When our bodies are in better shape, when we learn how to take better care of ourselves, our minds are better equipped to manage mental chatter.

Managing mental chatter is an often underrated and important part of maintaining our mental, physical and emotional health. By becoming aware of our thoughts, practicing mindfulness, challenging negative self-talk, and taking care of our physical health, we can learn to better manage our mental chatter. It is far from impossible to do this. Just requires some effort on our part (as do all forms of self-care). Ultimately, making this effort can lead to greater feelings of well-being, healthier relationships and an increased sense of control over our thoughts and emotions. I think it is worth the investment.

Gaslighting 101

So what exactly is gaslighting? We hear this term thrown around a lot these days, so I thought I would take a quick deep dive into what gaslighting actually is.

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. The term originates from a 1938 play, "Gas Light," in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own sanity by dimming the gas lights in their home while denying that the light level has changed.

Gaslighting behavior can range from subtle and insidious to overt and dangerous. It is often employed by abusers, narcissists, sociopaths, and cult leaders to gain control over their victims by distorting reality and undermining their sense of self. This can take many different forms, including lying, denying, deflecting, minimizing, and blaming, as well as withholding information, love, and support.

One of the most insidious effects of gaslighting is that it can cause the targeted person to doubt their own grip on reality. Individuals may begin to second-guess their own perceptions, memories, and experiences, and may feel they are losing their sense of self. This can lead them to question their own judgment, feel isolated, lose a sense of self-worth and strangely enough become even more dependent on the gaslighter for validation and support.

Gaslighters often target specific vulnerabilities in their victims, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or trauma, to more effectively manipulate them. They may also use subtle cues and microaggressions to gradually erode their victim's confidence and self-worth over time. The effects of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting, often leading to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This in turn has a profound effect on a person’s health.

One of the most important things to remember about gaslighting is that it is a form of abuse. It is not the victim's fault, and it is not a reflection of their worth or intelligence. Gaslighting is a dangerous and insidious form of psychological manipulation that can have profound and long-lasting effects on people. It is important to recognize the signs of gaslighting and to seek help and support if you suspect that you or someone you know is being gaslit. By raising awareness about gaslighting, we can help make people more aware and hopefully prevent this form of abuse in the future.

Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is a term used to describe a phenomenon where individuals use spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid facing and dealing with their emotional and psychological issues. It is a common defense mechanism that people use to avoid confronting pain, trauma, or difficult emotions. The saying, “That which we try not to think about or feel only grows larger,” is all too relevant when it comes to spiritual bypassing. As a Mental Health Counselor and Mindfulness Instructor, I try to help people avoid this problematic pitfall.

The concept of spiritual bypassing was first introduced by psychologist John Welwood in the 1980s. He observed that some individuals use spirituality as a way to bypass their emotional growth and remain trapped in a stagnant state of consciousness. Since then, many spiritual teachers, academics, philosophers and psychotherapists have explored the concept and its effects on individuals and spiritual communities. One of my favorites is called “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism,” by Chogyam Trungpa.

Spiritual bypassing can manifest in various forms. Some people may use meditation or prayer as a way to escape from their problems, while others may use the teachings of their faith or spirituality to justify their negative behaviors or beliefs. Some may even use spiritual practices to feel superior or special, further avoiding their underlying issues. .

One of the critical aspects of spiritual bypassing is the avoidance of negative emotions. Instead of facing the pain, fear, emptiness or sadness- people may use positive affirmations or spiritual teachings to deny or suppress their emotions. This denial can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, anger, depression, as well as physical health issues.

Another consequence of spiritual bypassing is often the inability to form genuine connections with others. When individuals use spirituality to avoid their emotions, they may struggle to empathize with others' struggles or understand their own emotions. This leads to a lack of intimacy and genuine connection in their relationships, which can cause them to engage in spiritual bypassing even more. As a result, a person can feel dissociated from themselves and the world around them.

Spiritual bypassing can also create a spiritual community that is based on superficial positivity rather than authentic connection, acceptance and growth. It can lead to a culture where individuals are ostracized or shamed for expressing negative emotions or challenging spiritual norms, further perpetuating the cycle of avoidance.

When individuals use spirituality to escape from their emotional and psychological struggles, they can become disconnected from themselves. This can have far-reaching effects on their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, as well as their relationships and connections with others. Recognizing and addressing spiritual bypassing for what it is, is crucial to fostering healthy relationships and authentic individual growth.

Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism